What I Didn’t Expect

Here it is. “Valentine’s Day.” A day I was sooooo against celebrating, until this man. You see, John and I had the type of relationship that would almost make you want to vomit. Disney fairy tale, mushy, yucky, cute af, all that good stuff. When I tell you I’m the absolute LAST person on the planet to act like that, I mean it. Looking at this picture brought me back to my innocent days. The days before I knew what real pain was. The days before my entire world was torn apart. What I’d give for one more! Like myself, John didn’t have the best family history. I thought we could relate, but I soon found out his bypassed mine by a landslide. That’ll come out in my book. At this point, I feel like that’s what he would have wanted due to what came after his death. There’s obviously quite a bit that followed after his death and some always will. However, as much as I’ve gotten accustomed to it and realized it’s “the norm,” not once did it ever cross my mind at the time I would be blamed for this. Boy was I WRONG!

I’m not going into graphic detail here, but let me start by saying I did more than everything for months to try and stop this. I have quite a few witnesses to that, and until August 1, 2018, I was successful. An absolute wreck, but successful. See, now that I’ve had time to grow from this (in both good and not so good ways), I’m able to see where a few were coming from. Knowing John from working at the casino, hanging out after, seeing how full of life he was, how happy he seemed, and so on, I would have never thought in ten million years he would have killed himself. Here’s a few things you may not have known. He had been gone from the casino for almost a year. He had been out of the military for nine months. Then lastly, the biggest thing most didn’t know is his mom died less than five months before he did. That’s when everything started. You know, there’s really truth in the saying, “You never know what’s going on behind closed doors.” Maybe keep that in mind for the next time this happens to someone else, and it will.

See, social media is not real life. I go look from time to time at his Facebook, and literally the day before he was posting funny memes on my timeline. What I didn’t expect came from what you didn’t know. You didn’t know, because we didn’t broadcast it. What do you expect? Facebook check-ins at psychiatric units? Updates on several hours of hostage situations? I can see it now, “Just hoping he doesn’t see me texting help, gun, suicide, 911, please, hurry, etc. to our neighbors and close friends.” Which I still have to say thank you again to all who did. You know who you are. I can’t thank you enough. I’m not including anymore situations here. I kept quiet for so long out of respect for him, but at this point I don’t see why he’d want me to. After so much hate mail, death threats, horrible things said to me and about me, and my downward spiral. One specific message I remember off hand (there were SO many) was an extremely long, hateful message with an ending of, “Why don’t you do us all a favor and blow your brains out too?” So sweet, isn’t it?

This changed everything about me. If you could have hung out with me for a day three years ago, then hang out with me for a day now, you wouldn’t know what to think. I always say looking back is just like watching a scary movie. There’s no way that all really happened. Then there are times here and there where I look back and realize yes, that did really happen. It was a terrible thing. Life isn’t fair, and it never will be. The sooner you realize that, the better. You deal the hand you’re given. Most of the time, you can’t control what happens to you, but you can control how you respond to it. You can let it teach you. That doesn’t mean don’t let it hurt. This will always hurt, just in different stages. I grew from it. I’m a better person because of it. I truly believe everything happens for a reason. I may never understand a good bit of that, but what can you do?

I don’t believe grief ever truly goes away. I think your coping skills just go through the roof. There are still times where it’s just as raw, but I react differently now. Sure, I may cry a bit, then go about my day. The reasoning behind that for me is there comes a point in time after the death of a loved one, no matter how they passed, you realize no matter how much you scream, cry, beg, break things (including your hand and wrist from punching a wall in a rage), they’re still not coming back. You have to find a way to live with that. It will be hard as f**k, but do you really think they’d want to see you so miserable and hurting all the time? I know that’s the last thing John would have wanted. Some things just aren’t meant to be no matter how perfect they may seem. Hopefully, some day we’ll all get to understand the reasons why.

Why I’m the “Black Sheep“

Long story short: I’m different.

Ripple effects come from everything that happens in life. After John died, any time someone would say, “Everything happens for a reason,” I wanted to punch them in the face. However, that phrase is what I live by now. I have to. Otherwise, I’d go insane. For example, the trauma I endured as a child could have been the reason I was able to live through John’s death. I look at it in the way of it preparing me. The reason I have such a strong “no bullshit” attitude is because I witnessed so much abuse be “swept under the rug,” growing up. If I stood up for anyone back then, I got backlash from hell. To say the least, it doesn’t go like that anymore. I will say it a million times over, I HATE child abuse and elderly abuse. Those are probably the only two things that are able to get me actually mad. When I’m mad, I can get very ugly. I’m not ever going to deny that. When I love, I love hard. I stand up for the weak. THAT is the main reason I’m the “Black Sheep.”

If you notice in the picture above and also by me directly letting it be known, I’m in the entertainment industry. Considering where I come from, THAT is probably just about the worst thing anyone could possibly do. Granted I’m in many other business endeavors, that just happens to currently be my main. I’ve worked my ass off for everything I’ve done. Yes, I’ve graduated college, but I’ve also heavily educated myself. It didn’t seem like it at the time, but 2020 was probably the best thing that could have ever happened to me. Not only have I broken the cycle of abuse years ago, now I’m leaving behind a generation of success. I’m teaching my children to be GOOD humans. I’m not “throwing Jesus around” to hide my true self. I’m real. Now that whole Jesus statement may not make sense to many, but it will to one, and that’s all that matters. 🙂

Becoming the “Black Sheep” was just something I concluded years ago. I know I say it enough, but I have to say it again. I EMBRACE THE FK OUT OF IT! It wasn’t anything I set out to do, but knowing that I am everything “someone else” is not is one of the best feelings in the world. That rebelliousness in me from the time I was little turned into an amazing thing. It gave me a drive and ambition in life I don’t think I would have ever had. If we’re being real and cutting the bullshit, I’m currently the most hated person in a part of my family due to a situation that has recently unfolded involving a baby. The one where I was the only one who would take in and kept safe for the time being. I’m not going to go into that at the moment. My kids and I really do miss my parents, and it really pisses me off as to why we can’t see them, or even speak with them for that matter. The third party involved. I don’t speak on that yet, because I do try my best to keep my mouth shut when I have a lot of anger towards a person or situation. I’ll get there eventually….hopefully. Right now, I’m straight up furious.

Not being able to see my parents doesn’t only hurt me, it hurts my kids. That’s another one. It’s not the smartest thing in the world to hurt my kids…like at all. That’s about the time Jesus should be thrown around, or at, as I’m chasing you. Just a joke, calm down. In other words, any time I’m hurt, it fuels me. I can choose the way it fuels me. I use it for the better. So thank you. You have pushed me to do so much more than I ever knew I was capable of. At twenty-nine years old, you are still pushing me to do better, to go beyond my limits, and get me to step so far out of that toxic comfort zone people like to stay in. Ultimately, my success will be because of me; however, it will be the drive you gave me without you even knowing it.

The Victim Mindset

I try to be an understanding person as much as possible. When I say I’ve been through some shit, I mean it. People go through a victim mindset phase when they’re going through different traumas in their lives. That’s understandable. It’s a PHASE! It’s that consistent victim mindset I can’t stand! We have all been through some form of hell in our lives. No, it wasn’t fair. No, we didn’t deserve it, and it hurt. It hurt like hell! The harsh reality of it is that it happened, and there is not a single thing we can do to change it. We have no control over it. What we do have control over is how we respond to it. Just because we’ve been through bad shit does not give us an excuse to be a bad person.

Long story short, my entire childhood into late teens was FULL of abuse. Physical until I was almost four. Psychological from there on up. I know it was not fully done on purpose. These things are passed down generation after generation. This was what my entire last blog was about. They did the best they could. My eating disorder is what helped me cope for years. Two insane relationships that I will absolutely never go into, along with having my babies, court(protective custody), on top of working in the highly stressful industry I was in, my life was crazy to say the least.

Life was crazy until one day, I literally found “Mr. Perfect.” He wasn’t exactly lost, but there was nothing between us for years. I literally cannot tell you how it happened, but I’m so thankful it did. I am not the gushy yucky type, as I used to call it, but I was with him. I never believed in soulmates. That was absolutely ridiculous, until him. He was an amazing father, amazing husband, put up with my bullshit immaculately, and perfect in almost every way. We had a love I never knew existed, and I am beyond thankful I got to experience that for a few years. Some go their entire life without that. You’ll find out soon enough how everything transpired and just how bad things got after. One thing I need to point out, he came from SEVERE child abuse to the extent that some will not even be able to imagine.

So here I am. I had just turned twenty-seven, and I watched “Mr. Perfect” take his life. I couldn’t stop him this time. The next day, I had to clean it up. My best friend at the time refused to leave no matter how much I insisted. She stayed and helped. It was extremely graphic to say the very least. My world came crashing down. I died. Part of me will always be dead. It changed everything about me, good and bad. At this point in time, looking back is just like a bad movie I watched. It’s incomprehensible how that was my life. I can tell you this much, the pain is unbearable and inexplainable.

So, as long as that was, that was the short version. Like I said in the beginning, it happened and there isn’t anything I can do about it. I can’t fix my childhood and I can’t bring John back. That’s simply a small version of my story. I’m not perfect, and more than likely, I’ll always struggle in some way. Regardless, I really do try and be the best person I can to others. I’ll own up in a heartbeat if I feel like I did or said something wrong. I’ll help anyone in anyway I can. I don’t brag about things I do. I don’t “put on a show,” for people. I’m real. I’m a person, and I think the person typing this needs to realize that more than anyone. I’m very mean, harsh, critical, and beat her down a lot. That needs to stop more than anything. I always say I never want my children to feel the way I felt growing up. I most definitely NEVER want them to feel the way I feel as an adult. I’m working on it.

Until next time…

Breaking Generational “Curses”

When I use this term, I’m most definitely not talking about some sort of spell. However, if that’s the case, I need to know who did it. We need to have a few “words” outside. Moving on! What I’m actually talking about when I use this term is Generational Trauma. Growing up for me was extremely confusing and VERY traumatic (without me even realizing it at the time), and it only got worse as I got older. As I learned and witnessed more, I began to realize how “bad” things really were. At the same time, it was incomprehensible in my mind. I did not handle things well for many years. To say I was furious was an understatement.

Every family is different in its own way. Until a certain age, regardless of how a family is, it’s normal to you. It’s all you know. It’s all I knew. I remember my first sleep over was for a friend’s birthday. I was six years old. When it was time for bed, she hugged and kissed her mom and dad goodnight, and said “I love you.” I stopped dead in my tracks. I got physically sick I was so scared. Thinking back at what was going through my head, “What’s she doing?! She’s going to get in trouble!” I had a full blown panic attack(except I didn’t pass out this time). Panic attacks to the point of passing out were normal for me from about four years old, until I was an adult and learned what was wrong with me and why. I was stunned when I found out about mental conditions, then mind blown when I found out there were treatments….at eighteen years old! Moral of the story, affection wasn’t allowed in my home and mental health wasn’t a thing to be acknowledged.

At this point, you may think I had “bad parents.” That wasn’t the case at all. Long story short for another time, I was adopted by older relatives in my family. When I refer to my parents at any time, I’m speaking of my adoptive ones. I mean it when I say this, they did the best they could. Honestly, they rescued me. However, at their age, they should not have been put in that situation. They were ill-equipped to raise another child, let alone, one who had come from the situation I was coming from.

Psychological, emotional family abuse and dysfunction are often accepted and ignored. Family history repeats itself. That “normal” repeats itself. This didn’t start with my parents, and I know that now. I hold no resentment. Regardless of how they feel towards me, I love, appreciate, and am thankful for them trying. They did so many things for so many people, when truthfully, they didn’t have to. I’m not the only child’s life they saved. If anything, I feel terrible for them and their situation. Two things about me: I’ve got a soft spot for the elderly, and I absolutely HATE child abusers. That may seem like normal things, but I have much more reason behind those two things that’ll eventually come out over the course of my blogs. To say the least, I get very “passionate” when it comes to those situations.

So, what happens when children who come from dysfunctional homes become adults? Well, it can go a few different ways. One, they will simply repeat the only dynamic they’ve ever known when it comes to partners and/or parenting their own children. It will go unseen to most, but be felt very deeply. The same behaviors, abuse, neglect, whatever it may be will be endless for these. That being said, every so often there comes along the children who go the opposite direction.

Let me introduce child number two. The one that is able to see the reality of the situation and essentially say, “f**k this!” Hi! That one normally requires a bit of therapy due to what follows. It’s painful and agonizing, but I can tell you it’s all worth it knowing my kids will NEVER have to experience anything I did. Your family will not understand any of your choices or behaviors. The years of memories are completely invalidated. You’re made out to be some monster who’s purposely trying to cause conflict. You’re called crazy, psychotic, unstable, and so on. You’ll have your breakdowns from the pain and outbursts from the anger, because it doesn’t make any damn sense! Of course, all that does is make them feel validated for a little while. It’s a very lonely and painful road. You’ll become, “The Black Sheep.” For a while, you’ll feel crazy while you’re learning what reality actually is. What actual love is. How human beings are supposed to be treated. For some, that’s too much or too difficult, and I understand. Unfortunately they either turn to very unhealthy coping mechanisms, or they leave this earth too early not knowing what an incredible human being they were. I had the privilege of knowing and loving the best, “child number two” there ever was.

With the help of therapy, possible medication, and growth through your own life experiences, you’ll eventually get to a point where the anger fades. You’ll understand that your parents really may have thought they were doing the right thing. I made peace with that a long time ago. However, this blog was only partially about them. I’ll say again, my PARENTS did their best. There’s a “middle man” I’ve left out. The one who I would say contributed more than anyone to this entire situation. That’ll be a story for another time. I will say though, when you adopt a child in the family, it’s more than likely best to keep the biological party at a certain distance and ENFORCE BOUNDARIES.

…and for the record…

I hold that Black Sheep label with pride!

A Look Into My Real Life

Hi! I’m Amberly. I’m a wife, mom of three, and work in the entertainment industry. Yeah, my life is a little different, but I’m more than okay with that. If you fit the description of “slightly” anxiety ridden, feel like you can’t keep up, mom guilt all the time, or come from any type of trauma, family issues, and so on, you’ll fit right in! I’m all about overcoming and working through that shit. We all have a history. We all have had bad things happen in our lives. That will never be an excuse to be a bad person or bad parent in my book.

I’ve always heard about blogging, but never looked into it. I love reading and writing and am currently working on a book. Needless to say, I looked into it, and here I am. To say the least, I’ve had well over my fair share of misfortunes thrown at me in my short 29 years of life. It’s never good to keep things bottled inside, so this is one of my therapies. I’m pretty sure at the same time, I won’t feel so alone in what I still go through today due to major trauma, PTSD, anxiety, ADHD from hell, and so on.

I’m still learning how all of this works, but I will be blogging often on a variety of things. My life story that’s been hidden for years will come out. I feel very strongly when it comes to child abuse for damn good reasons. I can’t stress enough how important and POSSIBLE it is to break generational curses. Of course, what a lot of this leads up to is mental health. I became a widow at 27 years old due to suicide in front of me. The TRUTH of that will come out here as well.

I know many people have “dysfunctional” families. That’s almost normal at this point. I’ve never been able to fully get it out in words in how I would describe what I came from. As much as my “childhood” still affects my life today, I’m still thankful. Yes, it still pisses me off sometimes. At the end of the day, what would I have become had none of this happened to me? I’ve seen first hand the affect it could have had on me. I will ALWAYS be thankful for being shown exactly what NOT to do.

I do my best to keep a positive outlook. That gets to be difficult at times, as we all know. It’s all about perception, and I fully believe that mindset is EVERYTHING!

I’ve recently made a new Instagram account. You can follow me at http://www.instagram.com/ajaide22