The Victim Mindset

I try to be an understanding person as much as possible. When I say I’ve been through some shit, I mean it. People go through a victim mindset phase when they’re going through different traumas in their lives. That’s understandable. It’s a PHASE! It’s that consistent victim mindset I can’t stand! We have all been through some form of hell in our lives. No, it wasn’t fair. No, we didn’t deserve it, and it hurt. It hurt like hell! The harsh reality of it is that it happened, and there is not a single thing we can do to change it. We have no control over it. What we do have control over is how we respond to it. Just because we’ve been through bad shit does not give us an excuse to be a bad person.

Long story short, my entire childhood into late teens was FULL of abuse. Physical until I was almost four. Psychological from there on up. I know it was not fully done on purpose. These things are passed down generation after generation. This was what my entire last blog was about. They did the best they could. My eating disorder is what helped me cope for years. Two insane relationships that I will absolutely never go into, along with having my babies, court(protective custody), on top of working in the highly stressful industry I was in, my life was crazy to say the least.

Life was crazy until one day, I literally found “Mr. Perfect.” He wasn’t exactly lost, but there was nothing between us for years. I literally cannot tell you how it happened, but I’m so thankful it did. I am not the gushy yucky type, as I used to call it, but I was with him. I never believed in soulmates. That was absolutely ridiculous, until him. He was an amazing father, amazing husband, put up with my bullshit immaculately, and perfect in almost every way. We had a love I never knew existed, and I am beyond thankful I got to experience that for a few years. Some go their entire life without that. You’ll find out soon enough how everything transpired and just how bad things got after. One thing I need to point out, he came from SEVERE child abuse to the extent that some will not even be able to imagine.

So here I am. I had just turned twenty-seven, and I watched “Mr. Perfect” take his life. I couldn’t stop him this time. The next day, I had to clean it up. My best friend at the time refused to leave no matter how much I insisted. She stayed and helped. It was extremely graphic to say the very least. My world came crashing down. I died. Part of me will always be dead. It changed everything about me, good and bad. At this point in time, looking back is just like a bad movie I watched. It’s incomprehensible how that was my life. I can tell you this much, the pain is unbearable and inexplainable.

So, as long as that was, that was the short version. Like I said in the beginning, it happened and there isn’t anything I can do about it. I can’t fix my childhood and I can’t bring John back. That’s simply a small version of my story. I’m not perfect, and more than likely, I’ll always struggle in some way. Regardless, I really do try and be the best person I can to others. I’ll own up in a heartbeat if I feel like I did or said something wrong. I’ll help anyone in anyway I can. I don’t brag about things I do. I don’t “put on a show,” for people. I’m real. I’m a person, and I think the person typing this needs to realize that more than anyone. I’m very mean, harsh, critical, and beat her down a lot. That needs to stop more than anything. I always say I never want my children to feel the way I felt growing up. I most definitely NEVER want them to feel the way I feel as an adult. I’m working on it.

Until next time…